Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

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Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2


I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.


My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x


If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.


I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.


My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.


Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??


Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.


My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.


[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue