“MY DUST COLLECTION!”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
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Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn’t Instagrammed.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Do her by the ocean.
Beaches love crabs.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma