@truegritrumble

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

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@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@One_FineMess

My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@Tmoney68

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

@420b1az31t

Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

@kelkulus

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

@climaxximus

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not