Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

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Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?


My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.


This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane


Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk


Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:


I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.


Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC


Joseph: 1 minute BC



Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.


eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not