Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.