The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Seems legit
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET