Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.


Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.


Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder


[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]


My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.


Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: …
Me: …
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.


Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.


BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.


How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?


My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.