@junejuly12

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

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@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@OfficialYoniG

Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder

@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

@khook32

My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.

@Shock_Monster

Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: …
Me: …
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@GroovyTasia

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

@TequilaTears

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@_oculusmundi

My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.