Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I created you as mosquito food.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.