Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.