Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours