“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.