Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus