@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’

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@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

@BuckyIsotope

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

@pilau

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

@MomofTeen

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

@INDlAN_

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.