@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

@Angibangie

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@beefman138

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

@DadandBuried

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.