Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’
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Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don’t eat caterpillars.