@McClaneJohn2

Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.

The more you know.

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@brynnester

Me, being sawn in half by Magician: Hey listen, thanks for doing this

@ericsshadow

1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don’t call me

@Contwixt

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

@mrtruthandsoul

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

@Michael1979

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

@RobertDuffy91

I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body

@DudeImShawn

Live today like it’s your last.

Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.