Me, being sawn in half by Magician: Hey listen, thanks for doing this
Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.
The more you know.
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1985: call me on the new line in my room
2000: call me on my mobile flip phone
2015: don’t call me
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Take your age and add 5 to it. That is your age in 5 years.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.
Live today like it’s your last.
Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.