@junejuly12

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

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@jackiembouvier

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

@robfee

Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.

@MakesYouGiggle

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

@Parker_Simpson

When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ

@4SLars

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

@tyleroakley

imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*