Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*