Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.