People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
*Dies and goes toward the light*
Light: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.