Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?


Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then


[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows



“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”


*Dies and goes toward the light*

Light: “I have a boyfriend”


Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”


[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no


My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”


If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.