Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I thought this was funny lol
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”