Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.