Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.