Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Okay me first
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”