Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.