Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

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[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,


I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.


The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?


cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt


J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.


I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%


All the single ladies put your hands up!

*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*

I’m your only option now.


The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?