Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

You Might Also Like


* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat


*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler


3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave


someone asked : are you coming?

me: No, but I’m breathing fast…




me: I guess I’ll save that one for Twitter


My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”


An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster


*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”


*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*



What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space


white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt