Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
You Might Also Like
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.