@inmybox07

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

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@wendchymes

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

@dshack8

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

@Malocallidus

someone asked : are you coming?

me: No, but I’m breathing fast…

them:

me:

them:

me: I guess I’ll save that one for Twitter

@kevnasto

My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”

@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

@UncleDuke1969

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

@susafrican420

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt