[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
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I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt
J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
All the single ladies put your hands up!
*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*
I’m your only option now.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?