@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

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@AaronFullerton

We can teach kids there’s no “i” in team but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.

@prufrockluvsong

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

@noog

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

@Squirreljustice

I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

@SvnSxty

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

@vanderwangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.

@fridaycandy

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.