Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.