Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
i rescue marijuana from the streets.
When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.
*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.