@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

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@huntigula

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@fro_vo

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

@AntF3ltz

When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@UncleDuke1969

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@str8upjuggahos

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

@delusions_of

I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.