@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

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@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@perfectsweeties

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

@mckinneykelsey

Make baby clothes in my size!!! I want elastic pants with cool as hell dinosaurs on them or lil crop tops with avocados or some shit!!!!

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@POTerritory

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@ElizaBayne

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

@Cycloptomese

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!