Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
What if all the cashiers are married?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*