This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
me irl
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess