Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster