Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”