@simoncholland

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

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@momjeansplease

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

@amydillon

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

@SuperApple8

In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.

@DitzMcGeee

[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]

@Peauxtassium

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

@flashember

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

@DurtMcHurtt

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.