Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’