Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

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I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.


I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.


I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.


Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.


Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.


Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.


I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.


Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.