Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons