@aprilmaywilson

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

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@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

@twylaredsun

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@UnicornSyrup

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

@Gupton68

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

@dshack8

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.