How to properly lift a body
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.