*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.