Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally