@AnOrangeSNES

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

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@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

@bonehugsnirony

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

@whtedaisy

Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Me: ?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.

@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

@RachelNoise

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.