Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
me and the Superbowl rn
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
this is funnier than any friends episode
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.