@TheQuietPsycho

Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.

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@TheBeerGuy73

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@miss_foofoo

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

@ObviousOstrich

If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.

@VisionBored1

Our grocery store is out of the bagels I love so my husband said we should just make our own and oh my god I’m still laughing best ab workout ever

@ConanOBrien

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

@3sunzzz

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

@eat_pray_liv

Outkast: Ok now ladies!

Me: Yeah??!

OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!

Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*

@MartaEffing

When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.

@TheMichaelRock

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky

I’ll show myself out.