Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Try and stop me.
Dolls on drugs
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit