Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?


While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.


I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?


A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.


[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]


I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.