Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
new wife guy just dropped
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
what could possibly go wrong?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
rise and shine we got egg
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Whoa… oh I see lol