“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
😂💯
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Webb. James Webb.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry