@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

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@GrantTanaka

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

@abuya_henry

The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

@baronvonbike

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

@ProZD

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

@Ygrene

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@Dustinkcouch

me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her