@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

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@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

@InternetHippo

doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE

@TheToddWilliams

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

@Sassafrantz

Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.

@Sirrruh

Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

@psybermonkey

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.