Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Probably my best painting.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow