Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

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*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”


Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.


Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed


The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.


ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’


Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.


broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”


[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]


what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?


me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her