those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
doctor: your wife has gone into labour
me: oh no
wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.