@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

- @houffy

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@BoomBoomBetty

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

@MischievousJam

Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions!

– Me, when I’ve gone two days without sleep

@heidi420x

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

@DougBenson

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

@Ndeshi_M

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

@roxiqt

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.