@houffy: Apparently Mr. Neeson's "particular set of skills" is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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@FeralCrone: A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.
@sixfootcandy: [blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!