Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?