Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
consequences, the bane of my existence
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.