Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
You Might Also Like
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
who did the taste test?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Smile Twitter, Smile.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.