@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

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@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

@kjmeow

I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@darksidedeb

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*