I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.
I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*