Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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Received some very disappointing news today
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The three genders
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.