COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can’t wait to see Ariel with the crabs.
Now I’m questioning which section I bought that DVD.
People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.