Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
M: We need new dishes.
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else