one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?