Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Word!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it