Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

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Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.


My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.


Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.


That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass


HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out


Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern


*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out


[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing