@gfishandnuggets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@aveuaskew

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@DearAnyone

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

@_ISpeakTrue

That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass

@thenatewolf

HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

@yonewt

Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern

@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

@ChicksRule

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing