Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My beach vacation Google searches
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Truth
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do