@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

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@jackiembouvier

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@claire_mudie

Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@badboychadhoy

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

@Bandersnaaatch

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.