Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.