IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
Me: Just once?
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*