@Mr_Kapowski

Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

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@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

@AnkCoupleTO

Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

@LlamaInaTux

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

@Branka_R

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

@ErrenMichaels

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

@EndhooS

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

@huntigula

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

@kendracomedy

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”