LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
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Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.