@Mr_Kapowski

Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

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@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@vjraines

Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@amishschool

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@QwertyJones3

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

@2tickytacky

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.