this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
is nasa ok
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig