@WilliamAder: Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
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@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.
@Rollmaninoz: Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine. Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* ...I will dedicate my life to avenging him!