Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
😂😂
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.