ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*Licks the fire in your soul
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now