Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
some cats are just doing for fun!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.