Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new